Okay, So I have a problem. I check my facebook like, 10 times a day. Usually only for s second to see if I have any notices, but that doesn't make it any better in my opinion. I also waste tons of time reading news on Goodgle and other stupid things like Foxsports.com. So I'm off it all for a week. Until next Tuesday I will not be checking my Facebook for any reason. I will also not be online for anything that isn't directly school or business related.
There's a lot of life to live out there. I've got dates (two this weekend actually) and friends in person Why do I have to listen to music for 4 hours straight when I can make my own? Mine isn't that great but it's mine, and creation is a thrill. That's why I have this blog right? It doesn't mean much but it let's me put something out there.
I'm nowhere near the electronic addict I was as a teenager at one point in my life, but who wants to go back to that?
Is this resolution earth shattering? No. Is it romantic? No. Is it even that hard? Heaven help me if it is. But little things like this help me to improve myself I think. I have much bigger goals for my own personal self to make me a better person morally, inter-personally, and spiritually but I'm not feeling like exposing those at the moment. Something like this though I have to at least publish before I'll ever go through with it.
So to sum up, 7 days, no facebook, no internet time waste, no TV (NBA Finals excepted, that's just not okay), no recorded music, and I'm going to talk to one stranger and get to know them every single day. What's life if you're not out living it right?
Song of the Day: Part of It by Relient K
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Snapshots
These are just two memories that I have put into snapshots, Short stories or snippets describing a moment from my life. The first one was from a few months ago, I wrote it in my English class. This second is being written right now.
Spot In Line
I'm standing in a High School courtyard, the middle in a row of 14 waiting kids, and I"M trying, failing really, to act cool and nonchalant. Most the others are the same way, sitting on benches or on the ground against the walls, spinning sticks in their hands. The mid-May sunshine filters through cottonwood trees casting spider-web shadows over the concrete and brick, a breeze swaying the branches. But the air in here is still. It's nice to have blue skies on a day full of thunder. Everyone keeps glancing at the blue metal door with the security window, waiting for it to open and Mr. Bowker to come out and give us the news. It's been a long day, a day of tension, rhythm, drills, music, competition, performance, tired feet, and tired wrists. Waiting, spinning, that familiar feel of hickory between your fingers is my only friend there. Not that these kids are my enemies, just competitors, and judges. Kids I'm familiar with, Quin, Tom, Jessi, Ashley, all here in this sort of line we've made unofficially, until we got but in our official spot in line. Out comes a high heel and that's definitely not Mr. Bowker, so we continue waiting, spinning, and I exchange a glance with Tom. Finally he comes out. Everyone gathers round, standing close and silent as he begins to read the list. Positions are announced, name by name, some heads nod and some heads hang. "Gage, you're on tenors," says Mr. Bowker. A grin finally releases, and I take a deep breath for the first time all day. A few more instructions, I don't remember what was said. Finally we leave and Quin laughs as he says, "Gage you haven't stopped smiling for the last fifteen minutes."
Next.
Ninja Lessons
To a Ten-year old boy, there are very few things that are cooler than Ninja's. Maybe no things at all, Transformers and Pirates being the only contenders to the throne. And so when your older brother Calvin offers Ninja lessons, it becomes only natural to follow him right out the back door onto the trampoline and become his Protege. All four of us enrolled in the program but Chad, being the second oldest, seemed dubious. For credentials he had a bandana tied around his head. For the uninitiated reader, that constitutes full ninja expertise in the minds of the prepubescent. We sat in order by age, being the natural hierarchy of things, in a circle on the padded green and blue edge of the trampoline. Warm ups of course had to come first and these came in the form of forward somersaults and a few air punches. Words of wisdom such as "Ninjas must be at one with themselves to reach the art of Ninja." And "One cannot expect to have Ninja skills, if you aren't willing to first be Ninja'd" formed most of our theoretical instruction. After letting him knock us all over once or twice to build toughness, Chad decided he was done. "Calvin this sucks!" Chad said, emphasizing the phrase with a punch in the stomach. He jumped off the tramp and walked away. We weren't through though, we wanted to reach level 2 Ninja. So now came our test.
Calvin stood up and declared, "Fight Me!"
Apparently he didn't fear the younger three since he had had his growth spurt and weighed about as much as all of us put together. First one to knock the other over won, if he won, we kept the lessons, if we won, we got to level 2. This all seemed to make a lot of sense for us so the three of us struck like hyenas. Calvin had a jolly old time knocking us all on our Tush's and laughing as if he'd upset Jackie Chan in a sparring match.
In the Ninja master's great mercy and benevolence, a rematch was granted, level 2 continued to make our imaginations salivate. We needed a game plan so a huddle was convened. If the movies were to be believed, our best shot would be distraction followed by the old kneel behind him and push him over. Our roles assigned, we lined up and Calvin shouted "GO!" Chase served as distraction. While he was the youngest, he was probably the easiest target so Calvin, like any self respecting kung-fu master went for him. Chase jumped between his legs and kicked him in the but. Jared got on his hands and knees behind him as Calvin turned around to Catch Chase. Since I was the only one who had nearly enough weight to move him, I was the designated pusher. I geared up and dug my socks into the rubber weave of the trampoline, dropped my shoulder and slammed into him with as much force as a 10 year old could imagine an NFL lineback having. Calvin laughed, didn't move, and shoved me. Luckily, I got a hold of his wrist as he did so and started him tipping. Chase came in and bit his ankle, and Jared finished the Job by ramming the top of his head into Calvin's left butt cheek. The leviathan fell. He crashed like the tower of babel. It all happened in slow motion as the deadly master went to the ground like we've all been waiting for the tower of Pisa to do. Score one for the good guys.
Time for Level three.
Spot In Line
I'm standing in a High School courtyard, the middle in a row of 14 waiting kids, and I"M trying, failing really, to act cool and nonchalant. Most the others are the same way, sitting on benches or on the ground against the walls, spinning sticks in their hands. The mid-May sunshine filters through cottonwood trees casting spider-web shadows over the concrete and brick, a breeze swaying the branches. But the air in here is still. It's nice to have blue skies on a day full of thunder. Everyone keeps glancing at the blue metal door with the security window, waiting for it to open and Mr. Bowker to come out and give us the news. It's been a long day, a day of tension, rhythm, drills, music, competition, performance, tired feet, and tired wrists. Waiting, spinning, that familiar feel of hickory between your fingers is my only friend there. Not that these kids are my enemies, just competitors, and judges. Kids I'm familiar with, Quin, Tom, Jessi, Ashley, all here in this sort of line we've made unofficially, until we got but in our official spot in line. Out comes a high heel and that's definitely not Mr. Bowker, so we continue waiting, spinning, and I exchange a glance with Tom. Finally he comes out. Everyone gathers round, standing close and silent as he begins to read the list. Positions are announced, name by name, some heads nod and some heads hang. "Gage, you're on tenors," says Mr. Bowker. A grin finally releases, and I take a deep breath for the first time all day. A few more instructions, I don't remember what was said. Finally we leave and Quin laughs as he says, "Gage you haven't stopped smiling for the last fifteen minutes."
Next.
Ninja Lessons
To a Ten-year old boy, there are very few things that are cooler than Ninja's. Maybe no things at all, Transformers and Pirates being the only contenders to the throne. And so when your older brother Calvin offers Ninja lessons, it becomes only natural to follow him right out the back door onto the trampoline and become his Protege. All four of us enrolled in the program but Chad, being the second oldest, seemed dubious. For credentials he had a bandana tied around his head. For the uninitiated reader, that constitutes full ninja expertise in the minds of the prepubescent. We sat in order by age, being the natural hierarchy of things, in a circle on the padded green and blue edge of the trampoline. Warm ups of course had to come first and these came in the form of forward somersaults and a few air punches. Words of wisdom such as "Ninjas must be at one with themselves to reach the art of Ninja." And "One cannot expect to have Ninja skills, if you aren't willing to first be Ninja'd" formed most of our theoretical instruction. After letting him knock us all over once or twice to build toughness, Chad decided he was done. "Calvin this sucks!" Chad said, emphasizing the phrase with a punch in the stomach. He jumped off the tramp and walked away. We weren't through though, we wanted to reach level 2 Ninja. So now came our test.
Calvin stood up and declared, "Fight Me!"
Apparently he didn't fear the younger three since he had had his growth spurt and weighed about as much as all of us put together. First one to knock the other over won, if he won, we kept the lessons, if we won, we got to level 2. This all seemed to make a lot of sense for us so the three of us struck like hyenas. Calvin had a jolly old time knocking us all on our Tush's and laughing as if he'd upset Jackie Chan in a sparring match.
In the Ninja master's great mercy and benevolence, a rematch was granted, level 2 continued to make our imaginations salivate. We needed a game plan so a huddle was convened. If the movies were to be believed, our best shot would be distraction followed by the old kneel behind him and push him over. Our roles assigned, we lined up and Calvin shouted "GO!" Chase served as distraction. While he was the youngest, he was probably the easiest target so Calvin, like any self respecting kung-fu master went for him. Chase jumped between his legs and kicked him in the but. Jared got on his hands and knees behind him as Calvin turned around to Catch Chase. Since I was the only one who had nearly enough weight to move him, I was the designated pusher. I geared up and dug my socks into the rubber weave of the trampoline, dropped my shoulder and slammed into him with as much force as a 10 year old could imagine an NFL lineback having. Calvin laughed, didn't move, and shoved me. Luckily, I got a hold of his wrist as he did so and started him tipping. Chase came in and bit his ankle, and Jared finished the Job by ramming the top of his head into Calvin's left butt cheek. The leviathan fell. He crashed like the tower of babel. It all happened in slow motion as the deadly master went to the ground like we've all been waiting for the tower of Pisa to do. Score one for the good guys.
Time for Level three.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Poetry
Okay, so I've been attempting poetry. Mostly because my big brother Calvin is an amazingly talented poet, and I think that'd be cool. So I'll post some personal doggerel, I'll probably have to put in the kind of work he has to ever be as good as he is but hey, this is my blog right? I guess these both stem from my childhood, I hope I'm not ripping you off too bad Calvin!
Catching a Cold
I grew up in the desert
Sagebrush, black mountains, you know the kind.
Rain comes occasionally, usually violently
Kids sprint outside to play when they can.
Wet embrace of a sweatshirt
Hair plastered, bone shivers means a good time.
Mom tries to yell patiently, but never quite silently
It seems like she couldn’t but she understands.
She raised you in the desert
Clouds look like death but the truth is sublime
It goes back anciently, seems to be piracy
Rain stands as God if you’re on his left hand.
Scouting for Food
Mid-November sun shines but doesn't warm a thing
My own heat trapped in a forest green jacket keeps me alive
Searching for sustenance, makes me hungry
but hey, I get donuts at the end.
an endless subdivision
Smack of sneakers on the sidewalk, hop the bush,
good this one's already on the porch, makes it easy
Jared's slower than I am so far,
but he keeps getting the old ladies
We all need someone to talk to.
Steam breath comes faster, face hot, panting as
the food we're looking for stacks higher in the back of the green van
"Ma'am did you get our flyers last week?"
The other women told me how cute I was.
Sprint back, that was the last one
the seats were taken out for the food so our knees all rubbed together on the turns
Hop out in Albertson's parking lot next to the big semi-trailer
Hundreds of other bundled worker bees doing the same job
One last load before those donuts.
Never wondering who all the food was really for.
Well I hope you enjoy, I should probably stick to prose but oh well. This was fun.
Catching a Cold
I grew up in the desert
Sagebrush, black mountains, you know the kind.
Rain comes occasionally, usually violently
Kids sprint outside to play when they can.
Wet embrace of a sweatshirt
Hair plastered, bone shivers means a good time.
Mom tries to yell patiently, but never quite silently
It seems like she couldn’t but she understands.
She raised you in the desert
Clouds look like death but the truth is sublime
It goes back anciently, seems to be piracy
Rain stands as God if you’re on his left hand.
Scouting for Food
Mid-November sun shines but doesn't warm a thing
My own heat trapped in a forest green jacket keeps me alive
Searching for sustenance, makes me hungry
but hey, I get donuts at the end.
an endless subdivision
Smack of sneakers on the sidewalk, hop the bush,
good this one's already on the porch, makes it easy
Jared's slower than I am so far,
but he keeps getting the old ladies
We all need someone to talk to.
Steam breath comes faster, face hot, panting as
the food we're looking for stacks higher in the back of the green van
"Ma'am did you get our flyers last week?"
The other women told me how cute I was.
Sprint back, that was the last one
the seats were taken out for the food so our knees all rubbed together on the turns
Hop out in Albertson's parking lot next to the big semi-trailer
Hundreds of other bundled worker bees doing the same job
One last load before those donuts.
Never wondering who all the food was really for.
Well I hope you enjoy, I should probably stick to prose but oh well. This was fun.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I LOVE THE ONION
Okay, so now these posts are pretty pointless, but I LOVED THIS and want to share it with all the 4 of you that have read this at any point.
Check it out after the jump.
I Really Hope that I Can Be one of These Someday!
Check it out after the jump.
I Really Hope that I Can Be one of These Someday!
Okay, Alright, Fine.
Hey guess what, the Sun rose today! Who would've thought that I can have a bad day and the world will still go on, with or without me. I think I'll choose with me. I wrote 2 songs today, pretty happy about that, haven't successfully penned anything for awhile I'll perform them this Monday at the essentially open mic night they have on campus here, that'll be fun for me. They're not really negative despite the timing, day after a lame day. One's a little bit dark though, it's called Illegitimate Son. I guess that might be a bit of an exorcism but it's hardly journal entry dashboard confessional style music. It's almost CCR style but not really at all. I'll post the lyrics and maybe the song when I've ironed out the kinks.
There's not a lot on my mind right now, honestly, I'm just trying to figure out what I'm going to do this weekend besides homework. I have a decent chunk but not the kill-yourself-sized pile like I've had the last few weeks. It's too late to get a date (and don't know who I'd ask anyways at this point). So you know what, I literally just decided this as I was writing. I'm going to see how many songs I can write by Monday. I won't set a cap but I want to do at least 10. I've never tried anything like this and I'm sure the quality will be less than Ideal, but I"m feeling good about this one.
Until then America, good night, and good luck. ( I wish that was my landing line. Darn You Ed)
There's not a lot on my mind right now, honestly, I'm just trying to figure out what I'm going to do this weekend besides homework. I have a decent chunk but not the kill-yourself-sized pile like I've had the last few weeks. It's too late to get a date (and don't know who I'd ask anyways at this point). So you know what, I literally just decided this as I was writing. I'm going to see how many songs I can write by Monday. I won't set a cap but I want to do at least 10. I've never tried anything like this and I'm sure the quality will be less than Ideal, but I"m feeling good about this one.
Until then America, good night, and good luck. ( I wish that was my landing line. Darn You Ed)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
One of those Days.
...
This was one heckuva day. I don't want to just do a all negative vamping post. That's not what this is here for. But man, after today, I think I need to read my own advice (the way we get by)
So It all started when my tutor didn't show up. I get out of my calculus class late because my teacher kept us too long, and I had to rocket across campus so I wouldn't be late to our appointment. I showed up on time, just a little sweaty and out of breath. And he never came. So that put me behind on my Math study, since I had a huge test to take today.
Next, after my Chemistry lab for 5 minutes I run home, and lo and behold, my car has a boot on it. 50 bucks down the drain for no reason. The worst part is that this was my fault since I forgot to buy a parking permit since i didn't think I"d have a car this semester.
That made me late for my test since I Had to wait for an hour until the tow guy came since I would've been towed and it would have cost me 100 additional dollars which I DON'T have. Since I was late for my test, the testing center closed while I was only 3/4 of the way done. So my max grade is 75 percent. Goodbye A, hopefully I can get you back.
So bad things happen in three's right? I've already had 3 (Tutor, Boot, Test) So I tried my luck and told a good friend of mine I had feelings for her. That went as well as it always has for me and she informed me as kindly as she could that we should just stay friends. Girls always seem thrilled to be my friend.
Major bummer.
And last but not least, came home, my old FHE sisters came to visit, totally cool. One of them is in My Dance class, in fact she talked me into staying when I was sure I was going to drop it due to the fact that it's not what I thought it was and I was one of 2 guys in it. But I needed the credit for a potential scholarship and it fit my schedule, she talked me into it. It came out today that she likes to make fun my dancing (as if I wasn't self conscious enough) when she's with her roommates.
So, I'm on a roll. to be frank, most of these were little things. But they add up I guess. I'll just try to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get up and start tomorrow fresh.
Hopefully next post is better written but this was oddly theraputic.
This was one heckuva day. I don't want to just do a all negative vamping post. That's not what this is here for. But man, after today, I think I need to read my own advice (the way we get by)
So It all started when my tutor didn't show up. I get out of my calculus class late because my teacher kept us too long, and I had to rocket across campus so I wouldn't be late to our appointment. I showed up on time, just a little sweaty and out of breath. And he never came. So that put me behind on my Math study, since I had a huge test to take today.
Next, after my Chemistry lab for 5 minutes I run home, and lo and behold, my car has a boot on it. 50 bucks down the drain for no reason. The worst part is that this was my fault since I forgot to buy a parking permit since i didn't think I"d have a car this semester.
That made me late for my test since I Had to wait for an hour until the tow guy came since I would've been towed and it would have cost me 100 additional dollars which I DON'T have. Since I was late for my test, the testing center closed while I was only 3/4 of the way done. So my max grade is 75 percent. Goodbye A, hopefully I can get you back.
So bad things happen in three's right? I've already had 3 (Tutor, Boot, Test) So I tried my luck and told a good friend of mine I had feelings for her. That went as well as it always has for me and she informed me as kindly as she could that we should just stay friends. Girls always seem thrilled to be my friend.
Major bummer.
And last but not least, came home, my old FHE sisters came to visit, totally cool. One of them is in My Dance class, in fact she talked me into staying when I was sure I was going to drop it due to the fact that it's not what I thought it was and I was one of 2 guys in it. But I needed the credit for a potential scholarship and it fit my schedule, she talked me into it. It came out today that she likes to make fun my dancing (as if I wasn't self conscious enough) when she's with her roommates.
So, I'm on a roll. to be frank, most of these were little things. But they add up I guess. I'll just try to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get up and start tomorrow fresh.
Hopefully next post is better written but this was oddly theraputic.
Friday, May 13, 2011
California
I'm kind of have a problem, everytime I sit down to write, I just want to post songs... don't know what's up with that. Today though, I can't even resist. I'm in CALIFORNIA! How many freaking songs are there about this place? I'll just list what comes off the top of my head. California by Phantom Planet, Dani California by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, California Dreamin' by The Momma's and the Poppa's, It Never Rains in Southern California by Albert Hammond, Goin' to California by Led Zeppelin, California Love by Tupac, Beverly Hills by Weezer, West Coast by Coconut Records, California Girls by the Beach Boys, Ventura Highway by America, California Waiting by Kings of Leon, San Francisco Nights by the Animals, and LA Woman by the Doors.
Just to name a few.
It's interesting though, the legend about this place. I've seen the main sights, from the Redwoods to Rodeo Drive, from Alcatraz to Anaheim and from the Golden Gate to the Ghiradelli Factory. But the Legend of California is so much greater than the sum of it's individual parts.
This place has been the epicenter of America's mystique for over 150 years now. Ever since the Gold Rush of 1849 (which is where my favorite team and the long source of my suffering, the San Francisco 49ers , got their name) there have been more boasts about the potential California has than just about anywhere in the world. It's warm, there's a sparkling ocean, stacks of money to be made, fame to be had, love to be found, and dreams to be fulfilled.
There's also smog to be breathed, government issues to be endured, and violent crime to be avoided.
But hey, to some white suburb kid who's watching MTV, that only makes it better. What's a good story without a bit of danger huh? This is the place that voted for the Terminator and made him the Governator. Then went back to the guy everyone hated before the Governator and gave him another chance to be head honcho. What's more Hollywood than that?
That contrast is what makes this place so great. I never know what to feel here, because even the drive on the freeways is beautiful, but the horizon is blurry with brown fog. It is just a delicious range of benefits and pitfalls that it can be hard to resist. I love California but I don't know if i could ever live here. Then again, part of me says how could I not?
More on this subject later. I'm tired.
Just to name a few.
It's interesting though, the legend about this place. I've seen the main sights, from the Redwoods to Rodeo Drive, from Alcatraz to Anaheim and from the Golden Gate to the Ghiradelli Factory. But the Legend of California is so much greater than the sum of it's individual parts.
This place has been the epicenter of America's mystique for over 150 years now. Ever since the Gold Rush of 1849 (which is where my favorite team and the long source of my suffering, the San Francisco 49ers , got their name) there have been more boasts about the potential California has than just about anywhere in the world. It's warm, there's a sparkling ocean, stacks of money to be made, fame to be had, love to be found, and dreams to be fulfilled.
There's also smog to be breathed, government issues to be endured, and violent crime to be avoided.
But hey, to some white suburb kid who's watching MTV, that only makes it better. What's a good story without a bit of danger huh? This is the place that voted for the Terminator and made him the Governator. Then went back to the guy everyone hated before the Governator and gave him another chance to be head honcho. What's more Hollywood than that?
That contrast is what makes this place so great. I never know what to feel here, because even the drive on the freeways is beautiful, but the horizon is blurry with brown fog. It is just a delicious range of benefits and pitfalls that it can be hard to resist. I love California but I don't know if i could ever live here. Then again, part of me says how could I not?
More on this subject later. I'm tired.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Where I'm At
Back Home.
I'm trying to figure out where home is. (Where the heart is right?) I can't even count how many songs have been written on this subject, from Mozart, to Simon and Garfunkel, to Daughtry, home is a subject that makes for great song material. I've got a few homes now, and it's been interesting to see how my living outside of Meridian, Idaho has changed my perception of home, what it means, why we long for it, and it's effect on our lives.
I've only lived there for about 8 weeks of my last 2-1/2 years but I can definitely still count Meridian, Idaho has my number one home. But my Parents moved to a new house in town while I was gone on my mission, and so It's no longer the same absolute that it was before. I drove by my old house this weekend. They have cats. For the 17 years we lived there we only had one cat, named Eliza and no one liked it. All it took was for it to pee in the Suburban and we got rid of it. Now I see two of them soaking in the sun in the windowsill. Isn't it odd that I lived there for 17 years and if I were to walk in there now I could be arrested for trespassing. They've only lived there a year and they can put cats in the windowsill.
Don't let me fool you though into thinking I'm sad/angry about it. You could make a strong case for Nostalgic but not much more. One thing saved me though from that. When I first walked into our new house I took a big strong breath and the smell of the place brought me back home emotionally. I never knew what we smelled like, couldn't tell until I was gone for 2 years. But I recognize it now, and it's wonderful. It's odd because I've lived in my apartment here in Rexburg longer than I've ever lived at 2129 W. Astonte St. but only that house smells like home. I sure my old house just smells like cats and Californians now.
But as much as Meridian is still home, there's not much there for me now outside of my family. Rexburg is where most of my current friends are now. My closest friends from childhood live in Colorado Springs and Seattle now. Rexburg is my main place of Residence. But I kind of feel outside of everything here, like everyone's in on a joke that I just don't get. Maybe I will get it, but I don't feel anything when I drive into Rexburg like I do when I drive to Boise.
Of course, Arizona was my home for 2 years, and is still the state that I have my driver's license from. But when I visited there, as much as I loved it, and as much that state defines who I am today, I can't bring myself to define it as home. It very well could be in the future, but I wonder how many years away it would take for me to not count Meridian as home. More than 2 apparently. I don't know if I will be able to really call anywhere home until I get married and can put down some real roots somewhere. Until then though, I'm going to love this feeling of drifiting. I need to see some things while I'm just a dandylion blowing in the wind. Tokyo? Prague? Istanbul? Maybe I could call one of those home someday. Until then though, 2129 W. Astonte St. my residence of 8 weeks is home.
I'm trying to figure out where home is. (Where the heart is right?) I can't even count how many songs have been written on this subject, from Mozart, to Simon and Garfunkel, to Daughtry, home is a subject that makes for great song material. I've got a few homes now, and it's been interesting to see how my living outside of Meridian, Idaho has changed my perception of home, what it means, why we long for it, and it's effect on our lives.
I've only lived there for about 8 weeks of my last 2-1/2 years but I can definitely still count Meridian, Idaho has my number one home. But my Parents moved to a new house in town while I was gone on my mission, and so It's no longer the same absolute that it was before. I drove by my old house this weekend. They have cats. For the 17 years we lived there we only had one cat, named Eliza and no one liked it. All it took was for it to pee in the Suburban and we got rid of it. Now I see two of them soaking in the sun in the windowsill. Isn't it odd that I lived there for 17 years and if I were to walk in there now I could be arrested for trespassing. They've only lived there a year and they can put cats in the windowsill.
Don't let me fool you though into thinking I'm sad/angry about it. You could make a strong case for Nostalgic but not much more. One thing saved me though from that. When I first walked into our new house I took a big strong breath and the smell of the place brought me back home emotionally. I never knew what we smelled like, couldn't tell until I was gone for 2 years. But I recognize it now, and it's wonderful. It's odd because I've lived in my apartment here in Rexburg longer than I've ever lived at 2129 W. Astonte St. but only that house smells like home. I sure my old house just smells like cats and Californians now.
But as much as Meridian is still home, there's not much there for me now outside of my family. Rexburg is where most of my current friends are now. My closest friends from childhood live in Colorado Springs and Seattle now. Rexburg is my main place of Residence. But I kind of feel outside of everything here, like everyone's in on a joke that I just don't get. Maybe I will get it, but I don't feel anything when I drive into Rexburg like I do when I drive to Boise.
Of course, Arizona was my home for 2 years, and is still the state that I have my driver's license from. But when I visited there, as much as I loved it, and as much that state defines who I am today, I can't bring myself to define it as home. It very well could be in the future, but I wonder how many years away it would take for me to not count Meridian as home. More than 2 apparently. I don't know if I will be able to really call anywhere home until I get married and can put down some real roots somewhere. Until then though, I'm going to love this feeling of drifiting. I need to see some things while I'm just a dandylion blowing in the wind. Tokyo? Prague? Istanbul? Maybe I could call one of those home someday. Until then though, 2129 W. Astonte St. my residence of 8 weeks is home.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The Way We Get By
This one's for me. I've got a lot of friends right now who have been through bad times. A few family members too. To any who read, I love you, if you enjoy this post that's wonderful, I would love it if something this personal touched someone else, but I really wrote it for me.
"We go out in stormy weather
We rarely practice discern
We make love to 'Some Weird Sin'
We seek out the taciturn
And that's the way we get by"
-Spoon, The Way We Get By
What gets us by? What keeps our legs moving one after the other when we can't think of a reason to keep walking or even anywhere to go? What gets us out of bed in the morning when we're not sure if we can honestly say we know of a single good reason to do so? What keeps us from ending it all?
Is there a nice tidy abstract word to throw out that'll answer these questions? Faith? Love? Hope? Charity? I'm not so sure if there is for me right now. I really do wonder. It might be perspective, maybe it's because I know that for every terrible night I've had there's been a sunny day opposite. Maybe it's because when I wonder if anyone really cares I remember that I've got a Mother who's is nothing short of perfect even though I've seen her faults fully exposed. Maybe it's because I remember on my mission when I had no investigators, a terrible companion, and was stuck in a hole of a desert trash heap, it all got replaced by 7 amazing converts, a companion I loved and respected, and my favorite town in America not named Meridian. All without any visual changes.
Maybe it's hope. Why do I keep dating even though I've never really had a girlfriend and I'm 21... I don't have prior experience to go on but I know there's someone out there who could make me feel like this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pp-Gl-70dSo. and who knows, they might even be into me. Why did I start training for a half marathon even though I couldn't run 2 miles when I started? I actually don't know that yet but I'm up to 11 miles last week and have to get to 13.1 by next month. Man that feels good to read back to myself. Can't wait for the race Chase!
Sometimes we get by with destructive habits. I've eaten to escape, got mad and used people to escape, and done other things I really would prefer not to publish to escape. The thing with those is that all we really do by "escaping" is add a nice basement to the hole we put ourselves in. It's tempting though, you can't see the depth of the hole as long as you're in the basement, problem is you can't see anything much at all.
Sometimes we turn to positive things to cope, but the problem is that these can become part of what I talked about in the last paragraph. I've done that with music, using what can be a beautiful and uplifting form of art that can bring us out of darkness, as a way to not deal with whatever it is I need to do. Loved one's are usually our best form of coping. But I've seen that be abused by many, and I apologize if I've done it to anyone I know. The biggest issue with using (in the negative sense) other people to cope is that when we drive them away we might not get them back when we need them next. And then we usually turn to people who will not be a positive influence in our lives at all and we've got ourselves a new basement.
So I just try to remember, there's more gorgeous sunsets coming my way. I got one tonight here in Rexburg. Best I've seen since I've been home from my mission. I try to remember family barbecues at Municipal Park. I think about sweat, blood, n' concrete front yard basketball with the 5 men (My Dad and brothers Calvin, Chad, Jared, and Chase) that mean more to me than anyone else in the world outside my mom. I try to remember light-saber battles with my best friend and the fact that he still is the first guy I call when I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I try to remember riding my scooter and screaming in the pouring rain, rain is the best weather imaginable in my book. I've never lived anywhere that got enough of it, and so I see its absolute beauty. I'm sure anyone from a wet place thinks that's nuts.
But that's the whole point, it might be nuts to keep looking forward, it might not make any sense to see things positively. I might be completely delusional in assuming that it'll all work out somehow. But it beats the Hell out of seeing rocks in the dirt instead of the flowers that you could plant. End.
P.S. To anyone who hasn't listened to This Too Shall Pass by OK GO, this is your reminder. Grooveshark.com.
"We go out in stormy weather
We rarely practice discern
We make love to 'Some Weird Sin'
We seek out the taciturn
And that's the way we get by"
-Spoon, The Way We Get By
What gets us by? What keeps our legs moving one after the other when we can't think of a reason to keep walking or even anywhere to go? What gets us out of bed in the morning when we're not sure if we can honestly say we know of a single good reason to do so? What keeps us from ending it all?
Is there a nice tidy abstract word to throw out that'll answer these questions? Faith? Love? Hope? Charity? I'm not so sure if there is for me right now. I really do wonder. It might be perspective, maybe it's because I know that for every terrible night I've had there's been a sunny day opposite. Maybe it's because when I wonder if anyone really cares I remember that I've got a Mother who's is nothing short of perfect even though I've seen her faults fully exposed. Maybe it's because I remember on my mission when I had no investigators, a terrible companion, and was stuck in a hole of a desert trash heap, it all got replaced by 7 amazing converts, a companion I loved and respected, and my favorite town in America not named Meridian. All without any visual changes.
If this doesn't help you, I can't help you.
Maybe it's hope. Why do I keep dating even though I've never really had a girlfriend and I'm 21... I don't have prior experience to go on but I know there's someone out there who could make me feel like this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pp-Gl-70dSo. and who knows, they might even be into me. Why did I start training for a half marathon even though I couldn't run 2 miles when I started? I actually don't know that yet but I'm up to 11 miles last week and have to get to 13.1 by next month. Man that feels good to read back to myself. Can't wait for the race Chase!
Sometimes we get by with destructive habits. I've eaten to escape, got mad and used people to escape, and done other things I really would prefer not to publish to escape. The thing with those is that all we really do by "escaping" is add a nice basement to the hole we put ourselves in. It's tempting though, you can't see the depth of the hole as long as you're in the basement, problem is you can't see anything much at all.
Sometimes we turn to positive things to cope, but the problem is that these can become part of what I talked about in the last paragraph. I've done that with music, using what can be a beautiful and uplifting form of art that can bring us out of darkness, as a way to not deal with whatever it is I need to do. Loved one's are usually our best form of coping. But I've seen that be abused by many, and I apologize if I've done it to anyone I know. The biggest issue with using (in the negative sense) other people to cope is that when we drive them away we might not get them back when we need them next. And then we usually turn to people who will not be a positive influence in our lives at all and we've got ourselves a new basement.
So I just try to remember, there's more gorgeous sunsets coming my way. I got one tonight here in Rexburg. Best I've seen since I've been home from my mission. I try to remember family barbecues at Municipal Park. I think about sweat, blood, n' concrete front yard basketball with the 5 men (My Dad and brothers Calvin, Chad, Jared, and Chase) that mean more to me than anyone else in the world outside my mom. I try to remember light-saber battles with my best friend and the fact that he still is the first guy I call when I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I try to remember riding my scooter and screaming in the pouring rain, rain is the best weather imaginable in my book. I've never lived anywhere that got enough of it, and so I see its absolute beauty. I'm sure anyone from a wet place thinks that's nuts.
But that's the whole point, it might be nuts to keep looking forward, it might not make any sense to see things positively. I might be completely delusional in assuming that it'll all work out somehow. But it beats the Hell out of seeing rocks in the dirt instead of the flowers that you could plant. End.
P.S. To anyone who hasn't listened to This Too Shall Pass by OK GO, this is your reminder. Grooveshark.com.
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